Ratcheting
It occurs to me that as a person with a high need for achievement, the most valuable type of achievements (to me) are the ones that "ratchet".
I was so excited when I finally got my degree in Engineering because I felt that I finally had something that no-one would be able to take away from me. No matter where I would go from that point forward, I would always be someone who held a degree in engineering.
I felt the same way when I finished my first book. I would never go back to being a person who had never published anything. I'd never again be someone who had never finished a significant self-driven project.
Over the past few months I've been working at completing my Professional Engineering application. I will need to work to maintain my status as a professional engineer for the rest of my life, but still... once I've got it, I've got it. It's a ratchet goal.
What ratchet goals are you striving for right now?
Oh, Grow Up.
Recently, someone asked me what the difference is between being an adolescent and an adult.
I just had a birthday on June 27th. I'm twenty-seven now. I don't really feel like a "grown-up", even though I'm a married Mechanical Engineer with a mortgage. My mid-thirties friends assure me that they don't feel "grown-up" either. Neither do my mid-forties friends. Even my mother says she doesn't feel like a grown-up (she just turned fifty-seven, also in June.)
So it's reasonable to discern, then, that "feeling fully and completely like a grown-up" isn't a state I'm likely to ever grow into. Or, maybe it's just the lucky ones who never feel that way.
Still, there needs to be some difference between an adolescent and an adult. Obviously, you can tell when you meet someone where they are at on this spectrum. It has little to do with age. A sixteen year old can become a father and hold down a full-time job as a manager. A thirty year old can still live with their parents and work part-time at a cafe. Because I went to engineering school, most of my friends lead very 'adult' lives, but I do encounter many people my age that seem to be stubbornly clinging to adolescence.
So, coming back to the original question: how does one define the boundary between adolescent and adult? I think for me, the definition comes down to three things:
- Career.
- Responsibility.
- Dealing with Serious Things.
CAREER
Now, by 'career' I don't mean that you wear a suit and tie and have a job-job in an office. Career, to me, means purpose: you have a clear (or clearish) vision of what you want to do with the rest of your life, and the majority of your time is spent actively pursuing it. By this definition, a person who may not even be employed but is actively, fervently pursuing success in a particular field has a 'career'. Of course, our career vision becomes more clear over time, and we may change direction, but as long as we're striding confidently SOMEWHERE as opposed to drifting from one meaningless job to another, we have a 'career'.
RESPONSIBILITY
Both in the having and the taking, responsibility is a major divider between an adolescent and an adult. Living on your own and paying your own rent. Taking accountability for your own failures. Owning a dog, or having a child. It means being present and accountable: without YOU it would fall apart.
DEALING WITH SERIOUS THINGS
A major facet of adulthood is that a considerable portion of your time is spent just dealing with serious things. Things that your parents used to do for you. Boring, painful "ugh it's just gotta get done" things. Taxes, paying bills, repairing things around the house, sorting out insurance, laundry, scheduling your own dentist appointments, investments... "serious things" can also mean injury, disease or death. I guess the best way to define it would be "dealing with things that have real-world, severe consequences." If a care-taker is still doing these things for you, it's a major piece of adulthood you still lack.
One may not have all three of these aspects prominently in their lives, but these are the three things that, for me, divide the adolescents from the adults.
Now...Is "adulthood" the right thing?
Is adulthood something that we SHOULD be pursuing as quickly as possible?
Perhaps, perhaps not. I'm not sure the early-adults are "right", just as much as I'm not sure the late-adults are "wrong". Sometimes I regret becoming so serious so soon. I've always been very responsible and driven, and so I marched lock-step into adulthood without really considering the alternatives. These are just things that I feel define "adulthood", not necessarily the way life should to be lived.
Charging your Adolescent Batteries
Recently, I've been faced with a stack of some very serious, very adult things. It's nothing bad... just boring "ugh it needs to just be DONE sort of things". I've been putting it off.
Last week, for my birthday, I took the week off of work. I didn't go anywhere, and I didn't really have anything concrete that I wanted to accomplish, I just wanted to.....not work.
And oh, boy did I ever NOT work! I woke up when I wanted, wore what I wanted, went where I wanted just 'cause I wanted to. My chores languished, my diet languished, and my work certainly didn't get worked on. I'm proud to say the vacation wasn't wasted, though... I threw myself into my Big Scary Writing Project. I finished chapters 3 and 4, which completes "book one" of the story. I didn't keep count, but I estimate that in this week I slammed down about sixty pages of thumbs! It was awesome.
What I realized at the end of the week is that I was basically acting like an adolescent again! You'd think that after this exhilarating taste of adolescence, I'd never want to go back to adulthood. But, here I am at work on a Monday morning and I'm amazed at how READY I feel to tackle some more "adult" responsibilities! By not being so serious, I got rid of a LOT of stress. So, I guess that's the one learning from this rambling post.
Sometimes you need to un-grow-up to tackle grown-up things 
What do you NEED?
Have you ever felt guilty for being sad, even though you have so much?
Ever wonder why money never seems to be enough, even though, compared to many others in the world, you are wealthy? Have you tried to motivate yourself with some material reward, but you didn't end up getting anywhere? Why not?
There are many things that our bodies need.
The lizard brain (amygdala) deep inside us drives us to find food, safety, shelter and sex. When we need these things it is VERY hard to ignore. ("You won't like me when I'm HUNGRY!")
It feels selfish to be sad when these base needs are satisfied. We are so lucky just to be safe and fed.
But the mind itself also has needs.
- Companionship.
- Self-Worth.
- Challenge.
Needs don't exist in isolation, they exist in a HIERARCHY.
Hierarchy of Needs
Physiological > Safety > Social > Esteem > Self-Actualization
BASE NEEDS
Your CORE needs. If these needs are not met, nothing else really maters
- Phisiological Needs: Hunger, Thirst, Shelter, Sex
- Safety Needs: Security, Protection from physical and emotional harm
INTERMEDIATE NEEDS
Humans, for better or worse, are social creatures. Our mind craves human interaction, and if our social needs aren't met, it leads to deep feelings of unhappiness. It's an archetype we're all familiar with: the miserable millionaire without any true friends.
- Social Needs: Affection, belongingness, acceptance, friendship
HIGH LEVEL NEEDS
Even the luckiest people - those with wealth, family and wonderful friends, can start to feel unsatisfied. At this point, you start to spend a lot of time worrying about your 'purpose', lamenting wasted talents and missed opportunities. High level needs drive us to better ourselves, they are why we get such a charge out of learning something new, or achieving something that, on a fundamental level, may not matter (as in, it isn't directly keeping us alive and safe).
- Esteem Needs: Self-respect, autonomy, achievement, status, recognition
- Self-Actualization Needs: Growth, achieving one's potential, self-fulfillment
These needs do not necessarily go in order. More than one need may be working to motivate you at the same time.
The point is this: Unsatisfied needs motivate. Satisfied needs don't motivate.
This is why you don't feel satisfied, even when compared to so many others you are so, so lucky. I mean, you're sitting here in the 21st century reading my words on the internet! You're not out working in a field. You have electricity! You might be lucky enough to be loved, to have dear friends and a great family.
When all of these needs are wholly satisfied, you start searching for more.
What is my purpose in life?
Am I achieving my full potential?
I wish I could be recognized for my talents.
So what should you do?
- Take stock of what you have and be grateful- you really are lucky!
- Don't feel guilty for wanting more. You can't change your brain!
- Look at the needs that may not be fulfilled: a sense of belonging, self-respect, fulfilment. Are one of those intrinsic needs unfulfilled for you? Maybe that's where you need to look next to seek happiness.
- Set, review or adjust your goals: If you already have enough money to survive, but all of your goals are financial, this may be why you're not motivated to meet them, or why you still feel unhappy when you ARE meeting your goals. Reframe your goals in terms of what you really may need: make new friends, improve yourself, gain a new skill.
Take responsibility for your own destiny
Do you have a big list of goals? Have they been goals for a long, long time? Does it seem like there *always* something in your way, working against you?
TAKE THIS QUICK TEST
http://www.psych.uncc.edu/pagoolka/LC.html
Nununo! STOP READING!
Go take the test! I promise, I took it (AT WORK), I didn't get any viruses, it is a clean and respectable site. There is a silly popup at the beginning that just takes your name. I want you to get a result without any bias!
....
Have you gone and taken the test?
Really? I promise it will really help you understand this better.
...
Okay.
You were given a score that indicates whether you tend to have an "Internal" or "External" locus of control.
What the HECK does that mean?
In the 1950s a psychologist named Julian Rotter developed this "Locus of Control" scale. The word "Locus" is latin for "location". The test measures who you believe has control in your life.
Those with an external locus of control tend to believe their situation is the result of luck or fate
- They may believe that they are just unlucky, or cursed, or that a God is causing their misfortune (or fortune).
- They tend to play the Victim, always blaming something other than themselves for their situation and failings
- They believe that they are not in control of their lives, and this can cause anxiety
- They might also lead easy-going relaxed and happy lives, because they accept the world for the way it is.
If you're the happy-go-lucky type, great. Don't change a thing! The goal is happiness.
But I get the feeling that happy-go-lucky types aren't reading this blog.
If you feel anxious because you don't have control over your life, you may need to work to develop a more INTERNAL locus of control. You CAN change your locus of control. It is a learned behaviour, and is not fixed over time.
Those with an internal locus of control believe success is based on their own efforts
- Nothing can hold them back except themselves
- They take responsibility for their own failures
- They are more motivated to try, because they believe their efforts will result in success.
There are drawbacks to having an internal locus of control, of course. It's easy to fall into the trap of getting down on yourself, or harboring a lot of unecessary guilt.
"If only I had...", "I should have..."
Those with an internal locus of control TAKE CONTROL of their own destiny and generally have more success in their lives.
How do you change your locus of control from external to internal?
1) Recognize when you're doing it
"I have no choice...."
"I can't because I have this disorder and blah blah blah"
"I can't go there because I don't have a car and blah blah blah"
"I'm stuck in traffic because my damn boss made me write that report and made me late and--"
2) Stop doing that.
Just STOP.
Once you sense yourself blaming something else, just stop.
So there's traffic! So what.
Accept the situation for what it is and try to make the best of it.
You ALWAYS have a choice
Even if you're stuck in traffic, you have a choice to sit there and fume, get mad and make yourself miserable, or you can accept it, sit calmly and brainstorm ways that you could drive less often.
3) Learn to frame your situation in terms of the choices that you've made
How did you get here? Why are you stuck in traffic?
You're here because you chose to work late and get that report done. The report was due tomorrow, and it was the RIGHT decision at the time.
NOW you have the choice to sit here and be mad, curse out your boss for assigning you the report in the first place, OR you can accept that you chose this job because you like the city, you chose to drive there because you like your house. You can choose to take a risk and take the next exit, or you can wait patiently while traffic clears.
NEXT TIME you can choose to listen to the traffic report, plan your work day better, or consider learning to take the train.
Everything in life is a trade-off. We make the best decisions that we can based on information available at the time. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.
4) Tell yourself that you can change
You can change ANYTHING.
Yes, ANYTHING in your life. It won't change instantaneously, and it will take a lot of GUTS and HARD WORK, but if you want it bad enough you CAN CHANGE ANYTHING and make it happen.
Don't shoot down options as "impossible". Really think things through. It might not be comfortable or easy but THERE IS A WAY.
5) Take control and start CHANGING things.
Is the commute really sapping your emotional energy that much? Is the added flexibility of driving really worth it? Is your house worth it? Is your JOB worth it? If one of those in the equation doesn't make sense, MAKE A CHANGE and assess the results.
Explore possibilities. Try something different. If it doesn't work out - it was still worth doing because you learned what DOESN'T work. KEEP TRYING.
Stop blaming other things for your situation. Things happen. Things have happened. DEAL WITH IT. The only people who make it in life are those who accept the world for what it is and MAKE CHANGES ANYWAY.
THE WORLD IS NOT OUT TO GET YOU. The world just is.
Time needs to be MADE. Money needs to be MADE. Opportunities need to be MADE. Connections and friendships need to be MADE. You need to CHOOSE to make these things happen, nothing is standing in your way but YOURSELF.
If you TRY and KEEP TRYING you will SUCCEED.
Sanity Management: Introduction
Calgary, Alberta
YOU ARE YOUR OWN OPPONENT