What are you so afraid of?
Lately I've been working on a Thing. A Big Thing. I don't want to say too much about it (especially since it will be so l...o...n...g before I'm able to deliver-- if I'm able to deliver at all), but I feel it's okay to say something about it here because this is the type of Work that this blog is about. I'm pushing myself, trying to improve, and it is affecting me.
It's a MASSIVE writing project that I've been working at on-and-off-again for a long time. Such a long time that I refuse to count the years anymore (yes, years) because it is embarrassing and makes me a little bit ill. But slowly, obstacles between me and the Big Thing have been getting knocked down and I've been attacking it quite seriously of late.
I'm despondent when I can't work at it, or when it isn't working, or when I can't get something quite right.
But when it's going, when I'm flowing at it, I'm happier and more creatively fulfilled than I've felt in a very long time. It's been too long since I've been away from this type of Work. Truly, all of the effort I've expended into learning how to get things done and manage my mind has all been for this. That was the whole point when I started this journey. Now I just have to stare down the silence and make it work. And it will work. I will make it work.
A lot of fears have come up from the depths. The Resistance is screaming at me and it takes a lot of energy to just sit and work through it.
Hackneyed is a horrible word. Derivative. These are words that people invented to scare you and to keep you from trying anything creative.
But I am afraid. I'm afraid that this piece will be simply the worst thing I've ever written. It will take so long to even write the drafts, never mind the actual piece. Could it ever be worth it?
Banal. Trite. Cliché.
But if I quit wholesale, it will have defeated me. I will have stared down the barrel of something that terrifies me at a fundamental creative level and lost. I don't want to lose. Even if the story is horrible, even if nobody relates to any of the characters and hours and hours and hours of my life have been 'wasted', it will have been worth it simply for having defeated a profound fear from within. You need to chase down and defeat the thing that scares you the most.
Flat. Superficial. Bland.
Working in isolation has been so very difficult. I'm used to putting my work out there immediately (and I very much recommend it) but this Big Thing is a different beast. It's an interpolative process. I'm testing theories and refining the plot from beginning to end, tightening it like a vice, and it cannot be born to the internet until it's settled. So I must work at it, slowly chipping away the waste, without validation or even the verification of failure that an apathetic response brings. Now it's just me and my lizard brain.
Boring. Ridiculous. Over-Acted. Entirely devoid of motivation.
Here is how I'm getting through it:
- I'm having fun.
- I'm learning.
- I can't possibly get worse at something that I'm working so hard at.
If you're facing a creative fear, know that the simple fact that you care so much will make a difference. It's your taste that pushes you to create something, and your taste tells you when something isn't quite up to standard. It will motivate you to learn, and research, and try new things, and keep pushing at the Work to make it better. Tighter. More unique.
Being able to see the flaws is more than half the battle. The other half is DOING THE WORK. Simply putting in the time and doing YOUR part to make it happen. You have to put lousy, mediocre things out there before you can put great things. It's a sacrifice, but nothing good comes without some sort of sacrifice.
You can't re-write something until you've written it down the first time. Only when it exists in a conveyable format are you able to truly assess whether it meets your vision. Until then it's only an amorphous idea. Untested. No good to anyone. True, if it never comes into existence, you won't have to face the cold reality of it being bad. But you'll also never know how great it might have been.
Get back to Work.
How to Cope with the Fear of Starting Something New
Let's face it: most of us stick to our patterns because it's easier to do something we already know how to do. We enjoy doing something that we're already good at doing!
It's just the way we are.
But if you are trying to break a cycle, break your boundaries, or break into a scene, the existing pattern is just not going to cut it. Those of us striving for excellence are going to have to do new things, and that means doing things that might make us uncomfortable.
This usually introduces a lot of fear in us, so we stall.
- Fear of not being instantly good at something
- Fear of how long it will take
- Fear of the unknown
- Fear of knowing that you might never achieve your goal
In order to start a new journey we HAVE to face these fears.
Admit that you will suck at it
Who cares! Everyone sucks when they first try something. You'll probably suck at it for a long time, so make sure it's fun and you're able to meet interesting people by doing it. These other motivators will keep you going until you're able to get some "hey I'm kind of okay at this" joy.
Know that you WILL improve
The earliest attempts and lessons are the ones where you actually learn the most, you level up fast and you'll be amazed how much better you are after a few attempts. You can't get any better without trying and YOU WILL GET BETTER. No matter what you're trying to do, you'll have to re-wire the pathways in your brain, and that takes time, but it DOES happen.
Focus on how much better you will be for improving
Set some incremental milestones, mini projects that you can tackle and count as intermediate successes. Look forward to how much happiness you'll get from trying, learning, building this new skill. The most impressive skills are the ones that were built up "from nothing", seemingly out of the blue.
Know there's no going back
Reinforce in your mind why you wanted to make this change in the first place: why staying put is just intolerable. Use that as motivation when you find yourself stalling.
Go, take the first step.
Read a book. Sign up for a class. Pick up the pen and just get going at it. Any act is better than nothing.
The future awaits!
Depression and Confidence
Went a bit dark for awhile there, I apologize. To be honest I was fighting off some personal demons, depression in particular.
A few things were happening in chorus. I'd just come off Emerald City Comiccon, which was so intense, and amazing and this big release of fear and stress. It was awesome, but the effect that this can have - especially on me - is that when you IMMEDIATELY return to your regular life, it can make the experience feel like it never actually happened. I find that in these situations that I'm prone to falling into my own echo chamber of self doubt.
Usually I can combat this. Usually.
Unfortunately, around the same time I ALSO decided that I'd like to try becoming what I call "more Vegan-aware". I'm vegetarian right now, and this has made such a positive impact on my life and health that I posited "hm, if giving up meat was such a benefit, perhaps doing the additional step of giving up milk and eggs would prove even more beneficial!"
Of course I knew this would be a very challenging thing, so I didn't even TRY to go full on Vegan cold-turkey. That's where "vegan awareness" comes in. I decided to enter a phase where I would become more aware of which foods were and were not vegan and learning to work with the alternatives.
The first phase was to stop buying milk, and this was easy. I tried a few rice milks and then settled on a Soymilk that I like. This was not a problem.
The next phase was trying to give up eggs. Now, I eat a hard-boiled egg every day because I feel it goes a long way to keeping my protein and iron levels up. Of course, this was an assumption and I like to challenge assumptions. I'd tried giving up eggs in February in a "1 week on/1 week off" pattern and I was noticing that I would fall into depression at the end of my off week. I took a break from the experiment for the Emerald Con (I NEED the energy during cons!) but I had decided that the depression was just a phase that I needed to push through - my body would eventually adjust.
Well, without the benefit of milk to mitigate the effect of dropping the eggs, I went into a much deeper depression than I experienced in February.
I withdrew and I felt very lonely. I lost confidence in everything I was doing, including this blog. I had posts written up already - a few in fact - but I couldn't bring myself to post them. They didn't seem good enough, and I couldn't see how to fix them.
I had very little energy. It was very hard to get up in the morning and go to work (but I did). It got so bad that I caught myself actually hoping that I would get sick so I wouldn't have to go in. I would go home and just crawl into bed and cry for awhile. For no reason in particular. It sucked. I tried to compensate. On a particularly dark day at work, I went out at lunch and bought some intense vegan sources of protein - some cashew nuts, a protein shake, lots of tofu... it got me through the day but it was still rough. I was surviving, but I wasn't myself.
I didn't want to quit, though, because I knew that if I could just hang on, maybe I would adjust. Maybe it would get better.
But I was out of time. When it starts interfering with my work, that's when it's gone too far. I bought a bunch of milk, cheese and eggs and I IMMEDIATELY started to feel better. After a week or two I was starting to feel normal again. That was 1 week before Stumptown comics fest, and I had to push to get everything finished that I'd been too depressed to manage earlier.
But now I'm back. And I'm feeling better. I'm not done with my vegan-leaning experiments, but I definitely have to be more careful. Veganism doesn't cause depression, but I have to come to terms with the fact that I live my life very close to the line. Maybe, because I'm so prone to depression, I'm too sensetive to manage the imbalance caused by dropping milk and eggs. I manage the depression on my own - diet control IS my medication, and I can't take that lightly. Life is too short to go through it depressed.
Lessons learned:
- Listen to your body. Experiments are cool, but if it's interfering with things that are more important to you, tread lightly.
- If you're prone to depression, just recognize that dark days just happen. It's usually not your fault (in this case it probably was my fault 
) but your brain is the way it is. Don't give up. Keep moving forward.
So now I'm back to The Work. 
3 Easy Ways to Network
IS IT AS GOOD AS A "REAL LIFE" NETWORK?
1 - BOOKS
Go to your local library and punch in a few keywords that you're interested in. The books that come up might not be winners, but the great thing about libraries is that the books are sorted by subject.
Take down the reference numbers and browse the shelf. Pick 2 or 3 gems and start reading! Sure, there are bookstores, too, but I prefer to start with libraries because the risk is very low... if a book sucks, I can return it.
Quite often you'll find the same books referenced over and over. The books will also mention other topics and people that are important to the subject - take note: these are your new keywords. In this way, you're entering an ever-expanding web of books and names that are related.
1.5 - BLOGS
2.0 - FORUMS and SOCIAL NETWORKING
3.0 Build YOUR reputation and attract a network.
Transition your Online Network to a Real Network
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of building a network around your dreams... and I've just told you that getting started is as simple as going to the library and finding a book! What are you waiting for?
Digitial File Optimization
Physical clutter is easy to spot. Keeping it under control is a challenge, but it feels so good when you have a clean environment.
What about digital clutter?
In a way, we're really not prepared to cope with digital clutter. Let's be honest... it's pretty new to us! Digital files, whether you have one or 1 million of them...take up the same physical space (to a point). It's difficult to find the right systems to manage them--it's not as simple as buying the right shelf or box. Even worse, in a way they're MORE difficult to part with. It's just a few more kB... what if I need this file someday?
Even if it doesn't affect us as much emotionally, DIGITAL clutter DIRECTLY affects our PRODUCTIVITY. How many file trees do you have to click through to find a file? How well does your search work?
THE GREAT COMPUTER CLEANUP OF TWENTY ELEVEN
It might surprise you to learn this, but my computer at home is a complete disaster. My computer at WORK is alright, but when I get home I spend all the time at the computer CREATING, I don't want to waste time to admin. As a result, the system that I have in place is... organic to put it gently. I have one folder that's a GIANT backup of my computer as it was in 2007. ANOTHER giant backup from how it was in 2002. My files are mixed up, duplicated, all over the place, and overall just clumped together in ONE BIG MESS.
The Phase One project for 2011 is OPTIMIZE and I decided it was DEFINITELY time to give this home PC the care it deserves. As I said, I don't have much time to work on it, but I want the time I have on it to be as efficient as humanly possible.
RECTIFYING THIS HORRIBLE SITUATION
1. Build your new computer in its own new folder. You're building a completely new structure that is ideal, and you'll do it by gradually transferring files from your "old computer" to your "new" one.
2. Start at the very top of your folder tree.
Go through your folders one by one, clearing them out completely. If the top folder has a sub-folder, first click on the top sub-folder. And if that folder has a sub-folder....... keep digging until you hit the bottom.
Look at every single file. What is this? BE LIBERAL WITH THE DELETE BUTTON.
- Is it an older version of something? - delete.
- Is it something that you were working on temporarily... a task that you needed to do for someone else but will probably never get asked about again? The form you needed to fill out in 2006? - delete.
Ask yourself honestly... is this something you care about? Can you re-create or re-acquire it if you absolutely need to?
3. Build a new tree
When you're building your perfect system, the key question to ask is NOT what IS this, but HOW AM I GOING TO LOOK FOR THIS IN THE FUTURE? Try to put yourself in the situation where you might be looking for this down the road. What is the SIMPLEST way to structure it?
The fewer the folders the better.
- I only tend to create a folder if there are enough files to cause me to scroll.
- Modern operating systems have some very powerful sorting mechanisms... why do you need to create folders for different date ranges and types when you can just SORT the files that way if you need to?
4. When you've finished cleaning out the folder...
....transfer everything to its home in "new computer", and delete the old folder. Get started on the next folder in line.
CLEANUP TIPS...
- Rip out the Zips
Zips are harder to search. Unzip everything and delete the original zip folder. Yeah, you're sacrificing some hard-drive space, but digging through a mountain of cryptically-named zip folders to find a particular file is NOT fun.
KEEP your CREATIONS and PHOTOS
- If you're a creator of anything, take my advice... save EVERYTHING you've created, and save it in the highest resolution/fidelity/quality you can manage.
IT'S ALL IN THE NAME
Make the filenames as DESCRIPTIVE as you HUMANLY CAN. Use codes to divide similar files that are slightly different. (I like to use "_big" (high res) "_web", "_thumb", "_draft"...) Don't use acronyms and weird naming shortcuts that you might forget in five years.
DELETE "COLLECTIONS" - LEVERAGE THE CLOUD
I'm definitely guilty of this... I get infatuated with a certain comic series or concept and I start saving every image I can find of it. But then... I can't actually remember a time when I went BACK to look through those folders. All of my time was spent looking for new pictures to add to the folder. Unless you're saving the images for a specific purpose... it's clutter and it should begone.
If you can remember enough about a funny image, you can probably find it faster in a google image search than digging through your folders. The rule for funny video clips is "if I can find it in better resolution in 20 seconds online, don't keep the file." I was very sad to part with certain clips that I've had forever, but it's for the best.
LET THERE BE TAGS
Something that I am quite bad at is tagging. Modern operating systems have a lot of integrated tagging for photos and music. But if you don't keep up with it (or build it at all) it a powerful built-in tool that is useless to you.
With tags: more is better. Think, again, of how you might possibly try to FIND this piece of data in the future rather than describing what it is. Are you going to remember "Manning Park", or are you trying to just find pictures of "trees"? (that was a trick question... use both tags 
STAY MOTIVATED!
Getting through a big folder a nice feeling... until you realize how many more folders you have to go through...
Remember: "It will be so nice when it's done". Keep your focus on the folder at hand, not how many folders you have to go. Set a timer and keep at it for at least fifteen minutes every day. You'll be surprised at the progress you can make like that!
BACKUP
When your computer is clean, you should set in place a good backup system. (Can you believe I didn't have one until now? I'm terrible!)
Some good backup ideas:
- On a portable external hard drive (in case your hard drive explodes)
- On a portable external hard drive in another location (in case your building explodes)
- On a "cloud" system like Carbonite or Dropbox or SugarSync (in case your province explodes)
- ALL OF THE ABOVE
Set a reminder on your calendar to do your backup periodically.
KEEPING IT CLEAN
Of course, keeping your file structure clean after cleaning it is almost as big a challenge! One thing that I've found helps is a "THIS MONTH" folder.
I have a folder on my desktop. By default, every download, everything I save or create, goes into this folder. Why? Because when I'm focused on research or creating, I don't necessarily want to interrupt my train of thought to carefully consider where the file should go. I just want to GET IT, WORK WITH IT, and be DONE.
By keeping a central location for all of my "working" files, I can easily find everything that I'm working on recently. At the end of every month, I go through the "this month" folder and decide: keep (and where to keep it) or delete?
I'd love to hear your computer-organization tips, I've got a lot to learn still!
Treasure your relationships
Savers: Let Go of Spending Guilt
In November we went on a crazy adventure. For almost a month, we travelled all over Thailand - from the mountains of the north to the islands in the south, and saw so many incredible things. My husband and I lead very busy lives, but for a solid month we put it all on pause and focused on each other.
When we got back, we tallied what it cost us to go on this adventure.
YIKES.
I will admit that I had a minor panic attack. Okay, a medium panic attack. The final number was pretty big. Bigger than I expected. (How could that number have been so big!?!??)
In the end it was only a little bit over-budget. The trip is paid for. We still have an emergency fund and retirement savings. We still have enough in the bank to pay the bills. It's just... certain balances were a lot lower than I'm used to seeing them. I had a similar feeling when we paid the downpayment for our condo.
I'm a born saver. Numbers in banks should only ever go up, ad infinitum. Numbers that go down? PROBLEM! PROBLEM!!! No matter how responsibly I've saved for something, or how much I want or need it, I hate spending money.
Obviously, spendthrift behaviour is dangerous, but there IS a balance to be struck.
What are you saving for?
- You should have an emergency fund
- You should have a retirment plan
- You should save for your kids' educations
- You should have a bit of a cushion in your accounts
- If you have a financial goal (vacation, new computer, new house) you should DEFINITELY save for it in advance
But beyond that... what are you saving for? What is the point of hoarding little green numbers in imaginary buckets? Interest, sure, but life is meant to be LIVED. And it's meant to be lived TODAY, while you're young enough to get the most out of it.
I'm not saying that you should throw caution completely to the wind, quit your job and go hike Nepal (though... you could!). I'm just saying that you need to keep some perspective. Money is a tool, nothing more. A pile of hammers is worthless if you refuse to use them and keep banging nails with your shoe.
What adventures are you missing out on today for the sake of little green numbers?
We live frugally SO THAT we can go on big adventures. We keep an eye on our numbers SO THAT we have the freedom to take risks. We spend less than we earn every month SO THAT we can take a break once in awhile and not have the world crumble around us.
But if we never go on adventures, if we never take the risks... what's the point?
The Doubters in your Midst: How to Cope
(This is part 2 of a series on "Doubters". Check out part 1 here!)
I'm jumping into some words that I defined last post, make sure to check that one out!
Underestimaters, Overestimaters and Pragmatists can be translated into three characters:
Underestimaters - The Lizard (Fear)
Overestimaters - The Cheerleader (Ego)
Pragmatists - The Scientist (Dispassionate Logic)
The cheerleader, the lizard, the scientist. These three elements are inside yourself as well, and you need to find a balance. If you are surrounded by lizards, you'll need a very loud inner cheerleader. If you have cheerleaders, you need a strong inner scientist. we all have an inner lizard, and most people are slaves to theirs. It's not our fault, if the lizard hadn't saved us from very real dangers, we wouldn't be here today. It's just not meant for modern times.
Below are various tactics you can try depending on the type of people you're dealing with.
With UNDERESTIMATERS
a) Leave, or hide your hobby or talent. It's so SO hard to live without the support of those closest to you, but if you are 100% behind what you want to do, you may have to cut those ties or you will never go anywhere.
Fighting them is a waste of your energy - energy that you can use towards your passion. Seek emotional support elsewhere - find others who are working towards the same passion that are Scientists and Cheerleaders. Build a new group of friends with whom to share your successes and challenges.
b) Convince underestimaters that you agree with them: The Scientist is a good defense against many Lizards.
Tell them: "I'm doing this "just because it's fun" - it's only for one hour a week, the rest of the week I'm working hard to support my family. I have money in the bank."
Leave it at that. Don't tell them about the contest you're entering, the book you're writing, the publishers you've submitted it to. They don't need to know (until you land that sweet book deal, and the press starts calling your house, at least).
c) Give In
Underestimaters will be constantly harping on you about having "steady income", or more "security". Actually working to attain these (perfectly reasonable) things might turn out to be less effort than putting up with their constant harassment. A 9-5 job is NOT the death of a dream.
d) Get something tangible to point to. Get a good full time job while you work on your passion in the evenings. Or, build a healthy savings account (you should anyway). Have them help you with your taxes so they can be 'sticker shocked' by the actual amount of income from the "hobby" you've managed to pull in this year. Show them your business plan and your success metrics.
e) Gather PROOF
Get press, awards, or review articles about your work to prove that objective professionals think you have something good going on.
f) Remember to cultivate your inner Cheerleader: when they knock you down, train your inner voice to tell you to get back up. "You can do it! They're just afraid of change, but I know you can prove them wrong!"
(Tip: many of these tactics work at silencing your "inner lizard", too! )
Sometimes, no amount of proof or logic can change an underestimater's mind. This is a very sad situation. I would advise you to give up on trying to change their mind and focus on succeeding in spite of them.
With OVERESTIMATERS
Overestimaters are awesome for a mood pick-me-up, but if you really want to scale that wall you'll need to get a better picture of how high it is.
a) Seek critique elsewhere. Never ask a cheerleader what they think of your work because they will only ever tell you it is "great" or "the best!". It's a nice ego-boost, but you need a realistic assessment if you're really going to improve.
b) Find a peer support group of scientists and even lizards that can properly benchmark you and give you real, actionable advice (not pie-in-the-sky dreams). Artists can often have their portfolio of work critiqued by a professional - this is an excellent reality check (but if you've been surrounded by overestimaters all your life, you should brace yourself for a seriously bruised ego).
c) Hide the plan
If you have a plan to improve your work, don't share it with overestimaters. They will think that the small action steps are a waste of time--- you should be taking your work right to the head of the department because you are so great, he would be crazy to turn you down!
d) Smile and listen to their platitudes, but remember that it's just noise. They love you! You should be happy that they are behind you 100%. Don't try to correct their perceptions, it will just make them upset and will make them try harder.
e) Cultivate your inner Scientist
When you're surrounded by overestimaters, your inner voice needs to be the voice of REALITY. Learn about metrics and gather HARD DATA about where you stand. Seek out experts. Read all you can about ways to improve.
With PRAGMATISTS
If you come from a family of pragmatists, you are very very lucky. Go home and give them a hug!! Pragmatists are hard to come by and you should be grateful. Even they need convincing sometimes, though. The biggest problem with pragmatists is that they are very averse to RISK - and you need to take risks to succeed!
a) Pragmatic people respond well to pragmatism. (Surprise!) If they think what you are doing is crazy, they will react as such and tell you so. Share your plan with them, your success metrics, the steps you intend to take to reach those metrics and what you intend to do if you don't.
b) Have a fallback plan
Pragmatists have your best interest at heart, truly, and their biggest fear is that you will stake EVERYTHING on something risky and it will ruin you. The best way to assuage this fear is to have a solid backup plan - something you can do to get by if this venture/career doesn't work out. Get some credentials that you can always go back to if it doesn't work out. It's good to have a fallback plan anyway!
c) Find a couple of cheerleaders
Pragmatists do have a habit of being too cold. When you have worked very hard for a small success, you might want a huge celebration but what you tend to get is something of an under-reaction. Tell them ahead of time that what you're facing is really challenging and what you really need is emotional support. If you tell them that straight-up, many will oblige (even if it is foreign territory for them.) As an alternative, find a group of cheerleaders elsewhere - someone, somewhere thinks you're just awesome, and you need to find them when you need a pick me up.
In all cases: seek the advice of PEERS
Whatever you're trying to achieve, it's always good to have a group of friends who are about at the same level and trying to achieve the same thing. You'll never get better advice.
WHAT ABOUT FRIENDS?
Friends fall into the same three categories, but to a less passionate level.
Not everyone in your group of friends is going to care about what you're doing, necessarily. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. Some of your friends will care, some won't. It's ok - you're friends with them because they're fun to be around (hopefully), they're not your personal therapy group.
I tend to think of my friends in categories: "my writer friends, my skiing friends, my engineer friends," for example. My writer friends don't care very much about the achievements I've made in my technical career. My engineer friends don't know what what it feels like to finish a draft of a script.
So, if you do achieve something, don't expect all of your friends to bowl you over with enthusiasm (underestimaters) or realize how much work it was to achieve (overestimaters).
BUT WHAT IF THE DOUBTERS ARE RIGHT?
Are they right? You can seek as many second opinions as you want, but at the end of the day, it's up to you to decide.
- Is this still fun for you?
- Is the project you're working on going to remove a major barrier to your happiness: your education level, your location, or your health?
- What is the cost of failure? Is the reward of success worth a bit of pain?
- Are you able to 'hedge your bets': continue to pursue the dream without damaging other opportunities?
If your gut is telling you to still go for it, you should.
You might need or want their support -- financial or emotional-- but if you can't change the minds of Underestimaters and Pragmatists, you might need to find support elsewhere. It may be a sad truth, but it is a truth nonetheless. You can spend your time moping about it, or working on succeeding in spite of this obstacle.
You can do it!
The Doubters in your Midst
Whoa-HEY! Haha.... ok I'm back. Sorry about that!
Things got very hairy there for awhile... nothing bad, work just exploded with some surprise short-term deadlines and I was also working on a major deadline for art stuff. Something had to drop. All deadlines were met and things have settled into a good pace at work now, it's good news - busy is good
Let's Talk About Hate
Awhile ago, I put up a post about Haters which got some interesting comments:
"But what if they're people I trust? What if they're right?"
I feel the need to clarify: Haters are people who DO NOT KNOW YOU, but will attack you on the internet under the shroud of anonymity. Sometimes they do have cause to do so, but often they are just people who honestly enjoy spouting bile and you happen to be the target of the day (or week. or month in some bad cases.)
If the criticism is coming instead from people who actually DO know you - people in your own family and friend circles - I prefer to call them 'doubters'. Trying to achieve when surrounded by doubters can be painful.
This is a two part series on doubters. In part 1, I will define the enemy, in part 2 I'll give you some coping tactics.
IS YOUR FAMILY INFLATING OR DEFLATING YOUR EGO?
In my experience, family members tend to fall into three categories: Overestimaters, Underestimaters and Pragmatists. One may lament, "why can't they just be EXACTIestimaters! I just want the straight story!"
Unfortunately, the closer this person is to you, the more likely their perception of you will be distorted (for better or worse). Also, the more likely that their opinion will affect you emotionally. Unlike an unbiased observer, when your close family and friends look at your project, they are not only seeing you and your work, they are seeing your whole history of success and failure in all things, and extrapolating how your past experience will apply to this endeavor.
How do you know who you are dealing with?
Overestimaters
Everyone seems to enjoy watching the auditions of reality talent shows. When a terrible dancer auditions for So You Think You Can Dance, or a terrible singer for American Idol, sometimes it's easy to wince and say "ouf! Why didn't someone TELL them they were so bad?!" Sometimes these ear-piercing dreamers have parents who are clearly their biggest fans in the whole wide world.
Overestimaters tend to attribute success to natural inclination and failure to others 'not recognizing' your talents and abilities. They don't accurately perceive the barriers or the amount of work required for you to achieve success.
Overestimaters tend to speak in platitudes
- -"Your art should be in the Louvre by now!"
- "Look at that movie star. YOU could be a movie star, you know! You're TWICE as beautiful as she is! Why don't you go audition?"
- "They are just prejudiced against you because you are ___! They don't see your BRILLIANCE"
This might sound like heaven to someone with an underestimater parent, but the children of overestimaters start to believe the hype, and that's where they falter. They can't understand why they haven't succeeded yet, because they don't have an accurate assessment of their own level of skill. They don't see the real obstacles in their path, they expect success to be handed right to them because they are just so great.
Underestimaters
Often, I encounter people who are brilliantly talented and successful in their particular sphere or niche, but their family refuses to believe it. The family minimizes their successes and no matter how well they're doing they always encourage them to quit and go into something more "practical" or "safe".
Underestimaters tend to attribute any success to dumb luck, and failure to a simple lack of ability. Underestimaters will overestimate the barriers and don't believe that any amount of hard work will result in success. Those that are successful are either crazy or just plain 'born to do it'.
Severe Underestimaters will speak in brutal absolutes:
- "Nobody is really interested in that."
- "Your ideas are stupid." "That's just crazy. Get real."
- "Are you still working on this silly hobby? It's time to grow up."
Less severe underestimaters will often try to sway you with (often sound) reasoning
- "There are thousands of people who are more talented than you at this."
- "You have a family to consider."
The successful people that I meet have the stubbornness and tenacity to overcome underestimater parents, but for every one that succeeds there are dozens that fail - they never even gave it a shot because they didn't have the self-confidence to try. They believed that they were sure to fail.
In between overestimaters and underestimaters is a rare breed: I like to call them Pragmatists.
Pragmatists
Pragmatists will support and nurture talents and interests, but also present a realistic view of the world.
Pragmatists can recognize talent, but know that the road to success is long and difficult. They don't want to quash your dreams, but they also don't want to over-inflate your ego and shelter you from the realities of what will probably be a major challenge.
Pragmatists will never outright call you a genius or an idiot. Their opinions are more in-between. They will admit that something you made is good (even "very good"), but will never tell you to "go for it" 100%. It can often sound like they're being negative, but if you listen, most of what they say are warnings:
- "Even if you succeed, life will be hard."
- "You have a long way to go."
- "The competition is fierce, you'll need to improve to have a chance."
- "You should definitely enter this contest! But, don't get your hopes up, okay?"
- "You might fail. But there will always be another chance."
If your dear ones are pragmatsits, you should count your lucky stars. They are the best ally you could possibly have in your fight to chase your dreams.
BUT Which is Which? How can you be sure when to listen and when to ignore?
Ask yourself -
WHO is giving the advice
- What is their experience? Have they tried and failed in the same field?
- Have they been very successful in one thing, but know very little about the field you're trying to enter?
WHY are they doing this? - what is their motivation?
- Do they want you to be happy, successful, and protected?
- Do they want you to meet THEIR definition of success and happiness?
- Do they see their failures reflected in your successes?
- Have they experienced failure and don't want you to repeat their mistakes?
- Have resigned themselves to a life where they don't chase their dreams, and your perseverance is a painful reminder?
When you're getting criticized, it's easy to shut down and go into defense mode, but try to think about the issue from their point of view. They haven't seen what you've seen, read what they've read. They are a product of their own time and experiences. What have they lived through?
Hopefully the type will jump out at you. In part 2 I'll give you some coping tactics - they're different for each type!
See you next week
Keep Dreamin’
"Someday, I'll be able to make a living at this. Someday, I might finish that book. Someday, I'll get hired at there. Someday..."
"Yeah, right! Keep Dreamin'!"
It's often said sarcastically, but you should keep dreaming.
Without the dreams, we have nothing to strive for, nothing to pull us forward. Nothing to push us out of our comfort zone, or to act as our light when times are dark.
Why shouldn't we dream? Why should we be satisfied with the way things are? Dreams are free, dreams are easy. Obviously there's a whole lotta reality between you and that goal. It's cold, and it's hard and it's spiky.
But why stop dreaming? The dream is what will lift you up, will keep you trudging up the path, over obstacles and past nay-sayers. The dream is what enables you to achieve what most see as impossible.
If you keep dreaming, and the dream is strong enough to get you to keep moving, is it possible that one day you'll turn around and find it's a reality?
...keep dreamin'!