The Doubters in your Midst
Whoa-HEY! Haha.... ok I'm back. Sorry about that!
Things got very hairy there for awhile... nothing bad, work just exploded with some surprise short-term deadlines and I was also working on a major deadline for art stuff. Something had to drop. All deadlines were met and things have settled into a good pace at work now, it's good news - busy is good 
Let's Talk About Hate
Awhile ago, I put up a post about Haters which got some interesting comments:
"But what if they're people I trust? What if they're right?"
I feel the need to clarify: Haters are people who DO NOT KNOW YOU, but will attack you on the internet under the shroud of anonymity. Sometimes they do have cause to do so, but often they are just people who honestly enjoy spouting bile and you happen to be the target of the day (or week. or month in some bad cases.)
If the criticism is coming instead from people who actually DO know you - people in your own family and friend circles - I prefer to call them 'doubters'. Trying to achieve when surrounded by doubters can be painful.
This is a two part series on doubters. In part 1, I will define the enemy, in part 2 I'll give you some coping tactics.
IS YOUR FAMILY INFLATING OR DEFLATING YOUR EGO?
In my experience, family members tend to fall into three categories: Overestimaters, Underestimaters and Pragmatists. One may lament, "why can't they just be EXACTIestimaters! I just want the straight story!"
Unfortunately, the closer this person is to you, the more likely their perception of you will be distorted (for better or worse). Also, the more likely that their opinion will affect you emotionally. Unlike an unbiased observer, when your close family and friends look at your project, they are not only seeing you and your work, they are seeing your whole history of success and failure in all things, and extrapolating how your past experience will apply to this endeavor.
How do you know who you are dealing with?
Overestimaters
Everyone seems to enjoy watching the auditions of reality talent shows. When a terrible dancer auditions for So You Think You Can Dance, or a terrible singer for American Idol, sometimes it's easy to wince and say "ouf! Why didn't someone TELL them they were so bad?!" Sometimes these ear-piercing dreamers have parents who are clearly their biggest fans in the whole wide world.
Overestimaters tend to attribute success to natural inclination and failure to others 'not recognizing' your talents and abilities. They don't accurately perceive the barriers or the amount of work required for you to achieve success.
Overestimaters tend to speak in platitudes
- -"Your art should be in the Louvre by now!"
- "Look at that movie star. YOU could be a movie star, you know! You're TWICE as beautiful as she is! Why don't you go audition?"
- "They are just prejudiced against you because you are ___! They don't see your BRILLIANCE"
This might sound like heaven to someone with an underestimater parent, but the children of overestimaters start to believe the hype, and that's where they falter. They can't understand why they haven't succeeded yet, because they don't have an accurate assessment of their own level of skill. They don't see the real obstacles in their path, they expect success to be handed right to them because they are just so great.
Underestimaters
Often, I encounter people who are brilliantly talented and successful in their particular sphere or niche, but their family refuses to believe it. The family minimizes their successes and no matter how well they're doing they always encourage them to quit and go into something more "practical" or "safe".
Underestimaters tend to attribute any success to dumb luck, and failure to a simple lack of ability. Underestimaters will overestimate the barriers and don't believe that any amount of hard work will result in success. Those that are successful are either crazy or just plain 'born to do it'.
Severe Underestimaters will speak in brutal absolutes:
- "Nobody is really interested in that."
- "Your ideas are stupid." "That's just crazy. Get real."
- "Are you still working on this silly hobby? It's time to grow up."
Less severe underestimaters will often try to sway you with (often sound) reasoning
- "There are thousands of people who are more talented than you at this."
- "You have a family to consider."
The successful people that I meet have the stubbornness and tenacity to overcome underestimater parents, but for every one that succeeds there are dozens that fail - they never even gave it a shot because they didn't have the self-confidence to try. They believed that they were sure to fail.
In between overestimaters and underestimaters is a rare breed: I like to call them Pragmatists.
Pragmatists
Pragmatists will support and nurture talents and interests, but also present a realistic view of the world.
Pragmatists can recognize talent, but know that the road to success is long and difficult. They don't want to quash your dreams, but they also don't want to over-inflate your ego and shelter you from the realities of what will probably be a major challenge.
Pragmatists will never outright call you a genius or an idiot. Their opinions are more in-between. They will admit that something you made is good (even "very good"), but will never tell you to "go for it" 100%. It can often sound like they're being negative, but if you listen, most of what they say are warnings:
- "Even if you succeed, life will be hard."
- "You have a long way to go."
- "The competition is fierce, you'll need to improve to have a chance."
- "You should definitely enter this contest! But, don't get your hopes up, okay?"
- "You might fail. But there will always be another chance."
If your dear ones are pragmatsits, you should count your lucky stars. They are the best ally you could possibly have in your fight to chase your dreams.
BUT Which is Which? How can you be sure when to listen and when to ignore?
Ask yourself -
WHO is giving the advice
- What is their experience? Have they tried and failed in the same field?
- Have they been very successful in one thing, but know very little about the field you're trying to enter?
WHY are they doing this? - what is their motivation?
- Do they want you to be happy, successful, and protected?
- Do they want you to meet THEIR definition of success and happiness?
- Do they see their failures reflected in your successes?
- Have they experienced failure and don't want you to repeat their mistakes?
- Have resigned themselves to a life where they don't chase their dreams, and your perseverance is a painful reminder?
When you're getting criticized, it's easy to shut down and go into defense mode, but try to think about the issue from their point of view. They haven't seen what you've seen, read what they've read. They are a product of their own time and experiences. What have they lived through?
Hopefully the type will jump out at you. In part 2 I'll give you some coping tactics - they're different for each type!
See you next week