Slogging
It's hard to admit failure.
But I must be honest with you, dear readers, I've been having a tough couple of months.
It's been a long downward spiral that brought me to this place. It's not the worst it's ever been, but it's obvious that it's doing damage to my life and if I don't make some kind of drastic intervention, I'm going to continue spiraling out of control. I can just feel time draining away from me.
I haven't felt this low in many years.
Everything ahead of me feels so daunting. I only have major, life-altering, long-term projects to work on. Every task I need to do calls up The Resistance. Fear of Success, as weird as it sounds, has always been one of my worst enemies. I can feel myself getting closer to some of these major breakthrough goals, but the higher I get up the mountain, the steeper the climb becomes. Instead of working on the things that used to bring me joy, I find myself basking in the soft glow of the computer screen and amusing myself to death.
I *have* to keep slogging forward, slowly, diligently, with persistence until
a) External forces cause a significant disruption
b) Slowly increasing metrics hit some level that prompts action
c) Some mysterious opportunity comes by.
I believe it's this ill-defined endpoint that's resulting in the loss of motivation. The way forward has cleared up, more or less, but the trigger point for change, the goal, depends on a lot of external factors. I don't have a deadline. I don't have a target. All I can do is continue to slog and "eventually" it will be enough. Hopefully.
Starting Over
I need to be more diligent about my foundation tasks. When I'm doing poorly at maintaining my chores and exercise, everything else starts to crumble. There aren't enough individual tasks to cross off to keep myself engaged enough in the list, so I made a new "perma list" of work I need to tackle every day.
I'm breaking out the Timer again for chores. I'm not under time pressure, which has kept me from using it, but I need it as a motivator.
I've updated my list binder with four key categories of tasks that I'm going to focus on and switch between: two major, two minor. They're all related to the same end goal vision, though. One is just a list of crappy "life"-related tasks (taxes, fixing things, etc.).
Increasing visibility of tasks and success
I'm posting the list in the hall right where I come in from work. It's tacky and kind of space-consuming, sure, but I need something to get my attention right when I come in.
I'm going to use stickers on a calendar to track successful completion of tasks. I know that makes it sound like I'm five years old, but I frickin' LOVE stickers! Maybe I am five years old.
I'm also trying to think up a good "reward" for myself. Maybe a weekly "success night out"? I've been staying in on Fridays and it's been making me lonely. A good end to the week will set me up for the weekend, and would make me feel like there is actually a division between those two phases, instead of the continuation of the same "one tough slog".
Seeking Inspiration
The Slog has given me an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. If I'm going to get moving, I need some inspiration. Since I haven't stumbled across anyting new that I really want to read, I'll be re-reading some books that really got me fired up earlier this year (or was it last year?): Linchpin, The Art of Non Conformity, Crush It!, Change by Design, Switch and the War of Art are all on my list. Maybe I'll post mini book-reviews for you all? 
Establishing Boundaries
I've identified some new time traps. It's my own fault for letting them take so much from me, but it's time to name these villains for what they are and remind myself what's really important. I'm sticking a bright red "NO REDDIT" sign on my computer, and a similar gentle reminder on my TV. It's so easy to placate fear with the constantly-available flow of things that are mildly interesting.
External Forces
I'm worried these steps won't be enough. I feel like I still need some kind of person or force who will kick my ass and keep me accountable.
I have an inspiration board but it's not really working as intended. Oh well. When I'm deep in a depression phase, it's hard for me to muster this voice for myself, so I'm just going to leave this here for myself:
"NOTHING WORTH HAVING IN THIS WORLD COMES EASILY, YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR IT AND KEEP FIGHTING! Are you just gonna roll over and let the challenge defeat you, huh? Are you that easily pushed over?? COME ON!"
FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT MY FRIENDS
September 18th, 2011 - 19:16
As a long-time (ish) reader of the blog, I’m a bit worried. You sound a bit burnt out, and a break sounds good. As in recently, I think all of your posts have gone along the lines of ‘work harder’ instead of ‘maybe I need a break right now’, and breaks are very, very important to keeping up morale/productivity. Also, sometimes I wonder if one can over-manage their life?
Though, I understand what it’s like sloughing to a goal with no end in sight. I got over it by going back to school part time. Having some institutional/group support to working to achieve my goals helped IMMENSELY. Working alone is difficult. I can totally relate to how having daily chores fall by the wayside can affect your productivity – today was the first day in two weeks that I could finally see to the bottom of my sink. (Well, half of it.) It feels great, though.
Anyway, just droppin’ by to say that I sympathize. Mini book reviews sound awesome! Keep up fighting the good fight, and don’t burn out!
September 18th, 2011 - 21:39
Thanks for your thoughts, Cici, I really appreciate the comment. It’s true, I am burnt out. Unfortunately it’s at a point where a ‘break’ is only a band-aid solution, I’ve realized that I need to make major changes and that’s what I’m working towards right now.
It’s also true that one can go overboard with self-management. As I’ve mentioned in the post I don’t feel I’ve reached that point yet. The last few months I’ve been trying to “relax the reins” of my self-management and the result was not what I had hoped. I found that I actually felt better when I was more strict with myself.
Balance is everything, and this blog is about exploration. I’ve been pushing myself to experiment more and make mistakes, but that is the only path for growth.
Don’t worry!