What are you so afraid of?
Lately I've been working on a Thing. A Big Thing. I don't want to say too much about it (especially since it will be so l...o...n...g before I'm able to deliver-- if I'm able to deliver at all), but I feel it's okay to say something about it here because this is the type of Work that this blog is about. I'm pushing myself, trying to improve, and it is affecting me.
It's a MASSIVE writing project that I've been working at on-and-off-again for a long time. Such a long time that I refuse to count the years anymore (yes, years) because it is embarrassing and makes me a little bit ill. But slowly, obstacles between me and the Big Thing have been getting knocked down and I've been attacking it quite seriously of late.
I'm despondent when I can't work at it, or when it isn't working, or when I can't get something quite right.
But when it's going, when I'm flowing at it, I'm happier and more creatively fulfilled than I've felt in a very long time. It's been too long since I've been away from this type of Work. Truly, all of the effort I've expended into learning how to get things done and manage my mind has all been for this. That was the whole point when I started this journey. Now I just have to stare down the silence and make it work. And it will work. I will make it work.
A lot of fears have come up from the depths. The Resistance is screaming at me and it takes a lot of energy to just sit and work through it.
Hackneyed is a horrible word. Derivative. These are words that people invented to scare you and to keep you from trying anything creative.
But I am afraid. I'm afraid that this piece will be simply the worst thing I've ever written. It will take so long to even write the drafts, never mind the actual piece. Could it ever be worth it?
Banal. Trite. Cliché.
But if I quit wholesale, it will have defeated me. I will have stared down the barrel of something that terrifies me at a fundamental creative level and lost. I don't want to lose. Even if the story is horrible, even if nobody relates to any of the characters and hours and hours and hours of my life have been 'wasted', it will have been worth it simply for having defeated a profound fear from within. You need to chase down and defeat the thing that scares you the most.
Flat. Superficial. Bland.
Working in isolation has been so very difficult. I'm used to putting my work out there immediately (and I very much recommend it) but this Big Thing is a different beast. It's an interpolative process. I'm testing theories and refining the plot from beginning to end, tightening it like a vice, and it cannot be born to the internet until it's settled. So I must work at it, slowly chipping away the waste, without validation or even the verification of failure that an apathetic response brings. Now it's just me and my lizard brain.
Boring. Ridiculous. Over-Acted. Entirely devoid of motivation.
Here is how I'm getting through it:
- I'm having fun.
- I'm learning.
- I can't possibly get worse at something that I'm working so hard at.
If you're facing a creative fear, know that the simple fact that you care so much will make a difference. It's your taste that pushes you to create something, and your taste tells you when something isn't quite up to standard. It will motivate you to learn, and research, and try new things, and keep pushing at the Work to make it better. Tighter. More unique.
Being able to see the flaws is more than half the battle. The other half is DOING THE WORK. Simply putting in the time and doing YOUR part to make it happen. You have to put lousy, mediocre things out there before you can put great things. It's a sacrifice, but nothing good comes without some sort of sacrifice.
You can't re-write something until you've written it down the first time. Only when it exists in a conveyable format are you able to truly assess whether it meets your vision. Until then it's only an amorphous idea. Untested. No good to anyone. True, if it never comes into existence, you won't have to face the cold reality of it being bad. But you'll also never know how great it might have been.
Get back to Work.
May 30th, 2011 - 17:48
There is something comforting in the continual reassurances that *everyone* feels this way sometimes. My internal voice tends to repeat the advice of Justine Larbalestier (or at least I *think* it was her. Either way I’m giving her credit unless corrected): “You can’t revise nothing, but you can revise shit.” Which really ought to be stitched on pillows for creative types every where.
June 3rd, 2011 - 15:32
I agree, it was a bit of a revelation to me when I learned that The Resistance is a natural thing that 99% of artists experience. It made it feel like I was less of a failure for experiencing such a thing, and identifying it has helped me a lot to attack it.
And boy-oh am I ever putting down shit
May 31st, 2011 - 10:41
I think it greatly depends what the large project is for. If you’re doing a massive project as a hobby, to learn from the experience and enjoy working on it, it’s easier to cope with fear (there is less stress behind it overall, nobody is pushing you but yourself, you can work on your own pace, etc.).
While having a huge project at work, which requires a lot of different components working together, your boss occasionally checking on the progress and having the project as a main assignment, greatly increases doubt. I doubt myself all the time, in almost everything I do, but it only leads to fear for the things I where others depend on.
Understanding where the fears come from is usually the first step to puncture through the hesitation and getting things back on track. For me it’s mostly in the following order:
1a) I’m stuck with unforeseen things. I should have thought of something but didn’t and now I have to start over a part
1b) The entire complexity of the project is overwhelming and daunting
2) I start to doubt myself if I can finish the project, how I’m going to tackle the next step, what the best solution is etc.
3) I start to fear that I’m not capable enough to achieve what was planned, if any deadline (even minor) is nearby, this can lead to panic mode for a while.
* brain shutdown, reboot, get away from it for a while, take a break*
Taking a break does wonders (suddenly the solution comes to mind with duhhhhhhhhh moments following shortly) and usually afterwards I can reassure myself that if others thought I can handle the project, I can probably finish it. And if not they made a bad call but at least I tried.
My dad taught me: “It’s better to try and fail and tell people you failed, than to avoid it and do nothing at all”, and I couldn’t agree more.
Even the worst failure of all time will give you at least the bare minimum knowledge that next time you have to try it in a different way. Usually you learn a lot more from it though
.
Each project, no matter how small or large, has it ups and downs and I agree that having fun with it makes the downs feel much less significant.
Happy project working days :p
June 3rd, 2011 - 15:34
Great comment and tips, but I disagree: this is not something that’s isolated to big work projects. In fact, it’s a personal project that has me so freaked out!
In reading a lot of books about creativity and motivation, I discovered this concept of True North (from The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield). The project that scares you the most is the project you should most urgently pursue. That is really what I’ve been trying to achieve here.
So if you’re really attacking something very scary and dear to you – whether or not someone is forcing you to do it – you will face it!